Hello, my name is Lori and I am Bravo’s bitch. Sad but true. I love all of the Real Housewives franchises (even if I want to throw something at the t.v. during viewing), I watch Kim Zolciak and her wigs on Don’t Be Tardy and I wish I was Tabatha Coffey. She has the fiercest attitude and shoes. So it’s not surprising really that I watch and love Million Dollar Listing New York.
Look, this could be completely and totally scripted and I don’t care. Seeing multi-million dollar apartments (yes, apartments!) in New York City makes it all worthwhile. Who would pay $7 million for a 2 bedroom apartment? Or $2 million for a one bedroom unit that looks as if a Mardi Gras float threw up on it? Obviously there are people because these places (allegedly) sell and for those insane prices. Your average layperson (i.e., me) cannot imagine living in an apartment, penthouse or otherwise, with floor to ceiling views of Central Park. Or having $7 million in cash to purchase a pied a tierre (French for part-time residence). Or a sketchy never seen person known as “Faja” who is going to fork over said $7 million for you to purchase an apartment, complete with a kiki room. Never heard of a kiki room? Neither had I. And no, it’s apparently not perverted at all. It’s a room to primp and preen and get ready in. Hmmm, I thought those were called bathrooms.
So the Bravo cameras follow three “high end” realtors in their quests to sell as many properties as possible, drink as much as possible and display the most amazing douchebaggery known to man. I know, it’s a gift!
There is Fredrik, who used to work in the adult industry but has managed to transition that into selling high end properties very sucessfully. He is engaged to his partner, whose name I don’t remember as he isn’t seen a lot on the show and appears to be far too grounded for Fredrik’s Marvin the Martian sound effects, eyerolls and facial tics and the two have two small dogs that sport jackets and other attire. Fredrik is the best realtor in town. At least according to him. He seems to have an ongoing love affair with himself. He does seem like a great realtor from what we see. He commands very high prices, he’s very confident and he usually gets his way.
There is Ryan, who I abhorred the first season. His smarminess would make him a perfect soap opera villian. He thinks he is not only the real estate gods’ gift to New York but God’s gift to females of all ages. He is the somewhat proud owner of a rarely seen snake (thank God), a “gift” from someone who felt the snake suited Ryan’s personality, and a little black piglet named, appropriately enough, Kevin Bacon as well as a buttload of ties. Maybe it’s Kevin Bacon (whose scenes I love) or maybe the earth has shifted from its axis but I’m actually enjoying Ryan this season. He seems a little less full of himself and as if he’s been humbled. I really do wish that he would get rid of that white pleather chair he sits in when he’s in his glass office though. Yuck. Naturally, he and Fredrik can’t stand each other. They attempt to upstage each other at their open houses and Ryan tries to take off an article of clothing each episode.
Luis is the new kid on the block and he’s Puerto Rican. Why is that important? I have no idea but Luis reminds us of this at least half a dozen times each episode. He also curses worse than anyone I know (because he’s Puerto Rican?), has a massive pompadour (because he’s Puerto Rican?) that I’m fascinated with and has the terrible idea of always having a theme to his open houses (because he’s Puerto Rican?) The last open house came complete with a speakeasy theme and a fog machine. It’s a mystery. It also created a huge conflict with Fredrick (of course) who was going to sponsor or partner with Luis on this property. What resulted was not only a lot of fog but Luis screaming curse words at Fredrik, who insulted him by making his trademark faces and sound effects, and then Fredrik throwing his green tea onto Luis and his Puerto Rican pompadour. Luis then threw his drink at Fredrik. Children, children. Not very professional but pretty damn exciting to watch, especially given that Fredrik is about a foot taller than Luis. Who is Puerto Rican.
So do you watch? Let’s talk if you do!