Staying Positive?

For all the wonderfulness that Sunday brought and carried into Monday, yesterday was one of those days that made me question nearly every decision I have ever made while running into oncoming traffic, screaming about Big Brother.  Or something.

My day job literally made me crazy.  I have too much to do, not enough time to do it, too many interruptions, too many files and papers on my desk and a boss that has no understanding of any of the above.  To add to it, my boss is a sole practitioner working out of his home office so I have zero co-workers.  Some days I appreciate that I don’t need to worry about any interoffice gossip and backstabbing but on others, the isolation can get trying.

Maybe part of my problem is that this is my job, not my career, not who I am.  When I think of myself and who I am, I think “writer”, “reader” . . . I don’t think “paralegal”.  I enjoy certain aspects of my job and enjoy it some days.  But those days are becoming fewer and further between.  When I am almost in tears at my desk and immediately looking up Messrs. Bartles and Jaymes upon coming through the front door, something’s got to give.

Worse, I cheated on my diet during lunch.  I brought my lunch but I was so angry and agitated and had just had enough that I went down the street to the deli, got some pizza (cheese, so that wasn’t terrible) and a Dr. Pepper.  Sigh.  Yes, I took a huge step back.  The only good thing is that the Dr. Pepper tasted like crap.  I didn’t enjoy it and felt guilty the whole time.  And this was after having a chocolate chip cookie (homemade) from the deli the day before.  I did have the cookie 3 hours after eating, which made it a little better, but I paid for that cookie with acid reflux.

I am just under one hour from needing to leave for work and I am dreading it.  I don’t want to go.  I think I would almost rather be anywhere than walking into that office and seeing the pile of files and papers and deadline materials that I think are being supported by a desk but I wouldn’t swear to that.  Can I suddenly come down with a 12  hour flu?  Can I go outside and find my car battery dead, only to be magically recharged after 5 pm?

It may be time for Plan B.  My side business isn’t busy enough yet to allow me to work at it full-time.   Could we swing me working part-time?  Should I just look for another paralegal job elsewhere?  Will someone show up at my front door with a big cardboard check with a lot of zeroes?

I am still staying focused on my writing and looking into a few workshops/classes that will keep me on the ball and pen to paper (so to speak).

I hope everyone is having a good Hump Day!


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